I believe it was around 4 AM when I woke up in shock all sweaty from a hideous nightmare.
It immediately felt like a dark, dense cloud was soaring over me just waiting to cast out a raging hurricane.
I realized that the dream I just had, reminded me of a time in the past where I felt happiness within a relationship, where I felt I belonged and where I felt feelings of certainty.
And the moment I woke up this was all gone… And I realized I’m alone. I suddenly felt uncertain; I felt lost…
This dream left me feeling sad for no particular reason and just when I was about to break down in another episode of ugly tears, I heard a very wise voice in my head. A voice I would never expect.
It was the voice of my sister.
I remembered her saying when you feel certain feelings of sadness and pain, don’t try to fight these feelings but instead allow them. And I heard her voice in my head saying:
“It’s ok. You are allowed to be here”. "It’s ok Sadness, its ok fear,You are allowed to be here.”
And I sat, in my bed, between my sheets alone and started saying…
“It’s okay; I allow you to be here.”
At first, it felt unnatural and weird, but I continued, repeating this for a few minutes:
it’s ok “Sadness” its ok “fear, I allow you to be here.”
And all of a sudden I felt my head clear up and my breath calming down…
I will not kid you, this did not magically make the sadness to go away, but it did bring me in the moment.
It did help me calm down and focus on that what I was feeling at that moment. And not dwell away in my thoughts making up doom scenarios of how I will never survive…or die right then and there out of loneliness or sadness.
It calmed me down; it cleared my mind without creating drama. Without searching for distractions by reaching for my phone, scrolling through Instagram or Facebook or dramatically calling up “my single mom/ hardworking girlfriend” at 4 in the morning to complain about how “hard” my life is…and how we can fix it.
What I learned is when you are feeling down or feeling sad, and you feel a strong need to search for distractions on social media, going out, drinking or worse calling everybody close to you to ask what you should do… Do nothing…
When you don’t know what to do, Be Silent… Because nobody will ever know, but you… Only you know what is best for you.
And in that that moment I was able to allow the moment to be… to let my feelings be…
Not blowing them up, running from them or asking for advice on how to get rid of them.
But Just letting them be...And accepting them for what they are…
And that is the last thing I remember of that night.
Because my stillness with all its beautiful perks, also put me right back to sleep.
Which reminds me of a very beautiful saying by Rumi:
"Love said to me, there is nothing that is not me, Be Silent"
Author: Roshni Jagroep