Love of my life

There is one thing I often hear when talking to people about being alone and experiencing loneliness. 

For a lot of people including myself, this is experienced as one of the most fearful if not horrible conditions a person can find themselves in.

Without company, for me often meant being alone with myself…

And this can be experienced as worse than being in the greatest pain a relationship produces.

When we are actually really alone we cultivate stirrings of great pain from the present often combined with subdued sufferings from our past.

The way I do it is, I go out seeking attention or companionship through meeting new people or longing for a past relationship... 

Even if the relationship was restless, turbulent and often carrying more tears than joy.

We are running very hard to stay one step ahead of our pain. We are running from ourselves…

Exhausted, we try to bury it with physical activity, overwork, relationships, Netflix for 5 hours, Instagram, alcohol, drugs. We are very creative species. We do just about anything to anesthetize ourselves. 

Becoming slightly numb, to the point that even joy is something we find difficult to experience fully.

But wait a second…

If I feel so alone and miserable I must be in a very bad company...


Yes, I am bad company.

All these situations, people and things they are all part of life...

And I think to myself Why Am I here? Am I here to experience life or to avoid it?

Can I experience anything if I am not involved in the process? Could I have ever experienced companionship without being involved with a companion? Would I ever experience growth without being involved in my pain?

To move toward our experience of this fascinating thing called life we have to be fully involved to allow ourselves to be the fool, the one who does not know, who starts again and again from the beginning.

We are not offered any guarantees. What we are offered is knowledge, the experience of life and ourselves.

 And if we are involved… if we are awake, glimpses of the wisdom held in the story of OUR life are revealed.

So how do we get involved?

As Said by Heidi Priebe, 

We have to live our lives as if we are the Love of it. The only thing I know for sure is that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that I will experience until the day I die, I am going to be present. I am going to be the person to be present to accept all my rewards and I will be the person who will be present during all my failures. Hopefully holding my own hand. I am going to be the one who gets myself up off the floor every time I get knocked down.

And if these things are not LOVE-OF-MY-LIFE qualities. 

“I don’t know what are”



Author: Roshni Jagroep