We were tossing words back and forth. Words as sharp as knives… which in the end can only leave one wounded and bleeding on their knees.
In that moment my mind was corrupted by anger, judgment, the urge to argue and the need to be right. Somewhere deep I could feel my heart desperately trying to battle while simultaneously standing guard, but my mind was too strong, leaving my heart in hopeless defeat.
It felt like a “Love” relationship, turned to a "Battle" relationship. At times turning into the savage attack, feeling feelings of hostility or complete withdrawal of affection and other times feelings of happiness, belonging and security.
The strange thing was, I considered this normal. So normal that for years my relationship continued between the polarities of love and Struggle, giving me as much Pleasure as it provided Pain…
When I look back, I wonder… how it is possible that I could be tossed and turned in these countless directions of flying uncontrolled thoughts and emotions and think that this is normal?
“Was this even love?” I thought.
It wasn’t always like this. I was once in love right? I once felt intensely alive… My existence had become meaningful because someone Needed me, Wanted me and made feel Special.
When we were together I felt whole; the feeling even became so intense that the rest of the world faded into insignificance.
But what I also noticed is that with this intensity came a constant neediness and clinging. And guess what happened when I did not receive my daily doses of love, adoration, attention...text messages?
YEP! This led me straight to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulations, emotional blackmail, blaming and accusing.
Was I addicted?
Living in a constant Fear that perhaps I would not get my daily doses of love? Why do I even need this drug I so mistakenly call “Love”?
I am Manipulating and Controlling another person to fulfill My Needs, Is this me? Am I that selfish? To manipulate another with my poison just to receive a little doses to make me feel good again?
I slowly understood that this was not Love… this was Fear, and in my fear I was selfish, I was controlling and I was full of expectations.
On my journey to discovering True Love, I came to learn that love has no expectations, I'm finding that I'm Now giving more than taking.
However, I love myself enough that I don't allow selfish people to take advantage of me. I am not going for revenge, but I am clear in my communication.
And now when facing struggles in relationships may it be a partner, friend, family, colleague or any other person, learned from my all-time favorite writer “Don Miguel Ruiz” this is what I say:
“I don’t like it when you try to take advantage of me. When you disrespect me. When you are unkind to me. I don't need someone to abuse me verbally, emotionally, physically.
It's not that I am better than you; it's because I love beauty and I love to have fun.
I love to laugh and Steal Hearts with my Smile."
"It's not that I am selfish, I just don't need a big victim near me. It doesn't mean that I don't love you, but I cannot take responsibility for your past, your conditions, and your perceptions. If you want any kind of relationship with me, it will be hard for your negativity to prevail, because I will not react to your garbage at all." This is not selfishness; this is self-love."
As Selfishness, control, and fear only Break Bonds... While Generosity, freedom, and love will Create and Elevate."
So my Dearest,
and Let's ROMANCE!!!
Author: Roshni Jagroep
References: "Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz & "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
*Picture: DIsplaying the beautiful Bond with my Little Sister*